Why You’re Feeling Disappointed And What That Feeling’s Trying to Tell You

Learn how to turn disappointment into healing and clarity

Hi, Hi, Hi, Hello!

Lately I've been thinking about expectations a lot and how I deal with people not living up to what I expect from them. And it's a weird thing because, truthfully, most of the time I like to believe that I don't have expectations and that I'm pretty good at letting people just be who they are.

But there's those times, those moments, those situations that prove there is always room for more growth, where someone doesn't act how I would or how I thought they would, and then suddenly I realize I'm really frustrated or hurt or extremely disappointed.

And what I've realized is that disappointment, when I really look at it, always leads me back to the fact that I had an expectation that I didn't even realize I had.

Because the truth is, we all know what expectations are, you know, sneaky, generally unrealistic assumptions that we carry around. And I think a lot of us think we don't have them, but inevitably, every one of us has expectations.

And a lot of times we don't realize it. And because of that we get extremely disappointed. What I have found in my experience, disappointment is often the aftermath of unmet expectations.

So when I start to feel frustrated or angry because somebody isn't acting the way that I expected them to or that I want them to, I have to pause and ask myself, why do I have an expectation of how they should act?

When we can identify the expectation that we have, we can then help loosen the grip on it. We can learn to let it go. And that makes all the difference.

Honestly, most of the time I find, that when I have an expectation, it's because I'm expecting someone else to behave like me. Like I would. To help like I would. To show up the way I would. You know, to respond the way that I would.

When they don't, my monkey mind writes a story about how they've let me down. And it starts to convince me that they let me down. But the truth is, and we all know this, they're not me.

It doesn't make either of us wrong. We're just different. And people behave and react to things in their own way. When we start to expect people to behave in the same way we would, that's an expectation that is only going to lead to our disappointment.

One of the things that I've opened my eyes to regarding my expectations, when I find myself being disappointed it is usually when I am leaning on someone else, to meet some need that I want, to move forward, something that I want to do that I'm doing with them, when it's attached to my growth or, things that I want to do in life.

And when they don't move at the same pace or in the same way as me, I get frustrated, and it inevitably leads to disappointment.

That's a tricky point because it's wonderful to have the support of other people. You want that for whatever it is in your life. It's beautiful and it's needed. The problem is when we attach our peace and our progress to someone else's behavior.

That's just going to lead to disappointment and resentment instead of true connection. But the wonderful thing that we can take from this and realize is that everybody truly believes they are helping in their own way.

We all do this. We think, well, I'm doing this and that should count for something. I did this and that should count for something. And we tend to, as humans, assume that our intentions are obvious.

We filter everything through our own lens. Everything that we see, hear, feel, it all goes through our lens, our eyes, our needs, our wiring, our experiences. That's just human nature.

We run into problems when two people with different lenses are trying to connect without the open, honest communication needed, because then the wires get crossed, feelings get hurt, expectations clash with reality, and nobody wins.

So it's a tough situation because we all want the closeness, but we don't always know how to talk about how we really work. Or we don't think about talking about how we really work because we assume that they just know and that they're just seeing things through our lens.

It's so important to really recognize and understand that we are all looking through different lenses. And that's why sometimes there are clashes in any kind of relationship, friends, partners, business partners, romantic relationships, parents, children, siblings, whatever the relationship is.

When there's the clash of people seeing things through their different lenses and not being able to communicate how they tick and not trying to help the other person see how they tick, you have problems.

What I have found is, when I start to feel that way, when I start to feel that disappointment, that frustration, that why isn't she doing this the way I would do it, it's a sign for me to take a break, to take a deep breath and ask myself:

- What was I expecting?
- Did I ever say it out loud?
-Did I ever convey to this person what I was expecting?
- Was I expecting them to act like me?
- Am I relying on them for something that I maybe could be giving myself?

Any of those questions can help you kind of come to terms with the disappointment that you're feeling, and the expectations that you have, so you can now move through them.

Because saying all that, it doesn't mean you stop caring, and it doesn't mean that you don't value the support. It just means that you're going to stop giving people scripts that they didn't agree to and then getting mad when they don't read the script correctly.

So the best way to deal with this is honest, messy, beautiful conversation. You need to be very clear on how you tick. And you need to convey that to them, that this is how I tick. You also need to know how they tick, how they work.

It's important when you're having these conversations to be curious, but not critical, to be open, but not controlling, to be kind, but don't perform.

It's total, open, honest communication that you're looking for, which means you have to be honest with yourself so that you can properly convey to them, this is how I work.

When you can do that, it helps you drop that need for people to be just like you, and you can actually start to see them for who they are and how they tick and how they work. In return, they get to see you in that same way. And that's where the real connection begins and where the healing can really start to come to light.

So remember, if you've been feeling disappointed in someone lately, don't beat yourself up. Take the time to check in with yourself and see if you had some expectations. And then work towards releasing those expectations.

Because the truth is, letting go of the expectations isn't about giving up. It's about giving yourself freedom. The freedom to be who you are and to see others as they are and connect in a healthy, joyful manner.

Remember, You Are Worthy and You Are Loved!

Cheryl

P.S. Leave a comment to share how you deal with your expectations and disappointment.